If I could turn back time.....
If I could rewind time I would try to rewind to specific events of conflict, pain and trauma to undo some of the deeds I’ve done, replace the untrue thoughts I believed, and take back some of the words I’ve said. But as we all so sorrowfully understand, just rewinding life in our minds isn’t enough to relive and redo moments of regret, pain, or failure.
Our memory provides that amazing chance to revisit and reconsider if it was only poorly chosen words and actions, or lack of deeds that might be appropriate if we could only have a second chance to try again.
I faced my history through the eyes of a survivor of trauma, pain and neglect. My parents are wonderful, not perfect, but also not abusers. I did feel neglect from my birth father, and his family though. The early abandonment may have caused some trauma to me as a baby. I don’t know much. There is only so much I can actually remember. But other events in my life did leave me with trauma. In some random times in my life, the trauma was triggered and I didn’t even realize. For years the trauma and pain caused my life to be jilted through the eyes of pain and victimization.
It was a difficult thing to face the fact that so many times my point of view was tainted with catastrophizing events, and demonizing most of the people in my life who caused me any additional pain. I definitely ran from people who started to hurt me before confronting them because I couldn’t bear the pain any longer. I learned at an early age that my perspective was the only one I could trust because some figures of authority were what I understood as ‘wrong’.
As a teenager, I saw Jesus eyes as big as clouds during an altar call at a revival event at the church our family attended. I had been in visions and seen angels and demons before, but this was different. It was the first time I saw the eyes of Jesus looking down at me as big as clouds, and as close as breath.
I could hear his voice whispering in my heart while I looked into his beautiful reflective eyes. They were full of life and compassion. That was my first encounter with Jesus where I could see his eyes. Then I felt Jesus’ comforting embrace as he told me that I needed to forgive my father. I hadn’t ever considered that the pain and anger I had harbored in my heart towards my birth father had been growing into bitterness and un-forgiveness. For most of my entire childhood I had been pretty free and happy, but when someone caused me pain I was talented at causing them to feel totally guilty. I could have provoked an incident, but I wouldn’t apologize or let them think that I even needed to. I felt that I had done nothing to apologize for, and I learned to dramatize any event where I felt jilted. I would cause the other person to feel 100% to blame, and I was the innocent victim. I became practiced at shifting blame, and presenting myself as the good and pure child.
This vision of Jesus was the first turn of events in my life were I realized that not only did I need to forgive birth father, but I needed to change my heart attitude towards other people. I learned to forgive, and begin to consider if I needed to forgive someone who hadn’t done almost anything to me at all. My thoughts about forgiveness had been rudimental and childish before I saw the vision of Jesus' eyes.
It took a long time and some wonderful mentors to help me develop more mature thinking about guilt and forgiveness. But at the time, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my deeper thoughts. I’m not sure that I told anyone about my experience on the floor during the altar call because I had been taught that no one can see the face of God and live. I didn’t realize that there was so much more to learn from that experience with Jesus. I was more afraid of being told that I was seeing visions from the Devil, so I kept pretty quiet about it. I may have told mom that God spoke to me telling me that I need to forgive my father. But that was all I remember mentioning. She did ask me what I needed to forgive him for, and if I was able to forgive him. I answered, and that was basically the end of that. It was a one-time thing, not a life lesson to explore and study. I never thought to ask the men in my life who preached and taught about their shared application and understanding of certain scriptures if it was ok to see Jesus eyes. I definitely didn't ask them if it was ok that I saw his face as he came so close to me and held me when I was frozen to the floor during an altar call.
I felt that I knew what they would say, so I may have mentioned in loose terms questions about people physically seeing God’s face. I got the answers that I expected. They were consistent with their previous teaching, “No one can see the face of God and live”.
I couldn’t possibly try to explain to them that when I was in a trance at the church altar, or that I had seen the roof fade away and the clouds roll back to reveal Jesus eyes. Then I saw his face as he drew me closer to him. I didn’t know the words ‘trance’ or ‘spiritual eyes’. In my thoughts and understanding at the time seeing with my physical eyes and spiritual eyes was the same thing.
It took me years to understand the difference between seeing with my eyes, and seeing with my spiritual eyes. I had seen such a tangible vision of Jesus that I couldn’t explain or differentiate between real or spiritual. The struggle that remains now is what is more real? We in the Western cultures see the physical world as real and concrete – while the spiritual world or spiritual realm can be overlooked as mere imagination or fanatical thinking. Or is this question just a tangent to keep us from facing the lessons that we learn while in a vision or trance?
It’s really hard to grab a hold of the solid facts of the kingdom of heaven when they are attained by faith if we want them to be found in a book or teaching. It was by faith I looked into Jesus eyes and learned to forgive my birth father. By faith I learned to recognize God’s voice when even elders in my church couldn’t lead me into deeper understanding of spiritual things but denied that my ‘visions’ were from God. Right there I had to forgive them, because I knew that Jesus had spoken to me, and shown me his face.
I have sought after God in his word, through prayer in the Holy Spirit, and fellowship with like minded believers. I still have more lessons of faith to learn! I have learned some amazing lessons up to now. These lessons have shaped my life and in some ways I have been able to rewind and redo some mistakes or failures in my life. I can’t go back in time and confront a father and mother who separated for important reasons. I can’t go back in time and ask spiritual leaders why they did or didn’t respond in what I perceived as more helpful ways to my questions, or why I didn’t feel safe asking them more questions. But I can go back to the person or people who I still need to talk too and ask questions now.
I’ve learned the power of forgiveness is liberating, and life changing. I’ve also learned that the power of God can lead us to reconcile and restore things or relationships that were broken. In an attempt to restore old things I am going to talk with people that I felt were the ‘bad guys’ in my life. Through the pain I heard everything they said as if from a position of authority that they might use to abuse me.
I am going to face my history with an open heart, open eyes, and open ears to hear, see and feel what really was lurking in the shadows. I might even go back and revisit some places of pain to rebuild my confidence. At the time of some conflicts, pain or places of trauma in my story I was unable to verbalize the experience. Well, now I’m ready to verbalize, write, talk or paint or draw. I will commit to do whatever it takes to be able to confront the shadows with confidence.
My life will go on as I confidently confront the shadows, and in the meantime I’m finishing a semester of Uni going to a wedding end of May and planning a trip back to Mozambique.
So my blog will literally be all over the place next month and the months of June. I hope to be able to write something and not worry too much about internet when I am in Africa.
Friends who pray, please do pray for us. I know that we missionaries don’t like to talk about the pain of being missionaries. But sometimes the pain is to deep to share, almost like a war wound. When we go back to our old home, and our children and team in Iris Chimoio, we will be full of love and Joy for seeing them. We also have such a pang of sadness that our own three boys are going to be in Colorado while we travel. Please pray for us as we go forward with Jesus to love on his beautiful bride in our corner of Mozambique. Please pray that I can confront some of my shadows from being a missionary mom. Please now that I am a terribly normal person that was pretty broken, and in some areas still am broken, yet just because we say “Yes” to Papa God when he says, “Will you go?”
He can do something amazing with our little lives poured out as a living sacrifice. I’m so excited to see our kiddos. I’m so looking forward to hugging our mammas and the big Iris Chimoio family!
I pray that when you think about saying "no, I’m too much of a mess", you can remember to face the shadows with confidence while still living, and saying Yes to Papa God!!!
Lots of love,
Missionary Momma Mia
